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This is my parody of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. Enjoy!

Fundamental Techniques in Handling Children
1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain… when they sit on your lap… even if they weigh 200 pounds.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation… Another thousand kids to go!

3. Arouse in them an eager want… not to pull your beard… but for the joy you are giving them.

Six ways to make Kids like you
1. Become genuinely interested in them… Don’t fall asleep when they tell you the most boring things they did last Christmas.

2. Smile… You know you have to.

3. Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language… So TRY not to forget their name. No… Meeting thousands of people a day is not an excuse.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage the kids to talk about themselves… and be polite when they start jumping up and down on your lap with excitement.

5. Talk in terms of their interests… whether they’ve been naughty or nice the year before. Watch and remember the look on their face when you tell them you’re still giving them a present despite their naughtiness… just that it’s not the toy they want!

6. Make the kid feel important – and do it sincerely… if you don’t want angry parents breathing down your neck.

Win people to your way of thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it… They were right to scold you for dropping their kid… whether you did it accidentally or not. Save your breath.

2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, “You're wrong.” Just tell them they are so not going to get a present next Christmas if they continue to think in that ridiculous way.

3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. 50% of the time, you would think the nice kid was naughty. It’s just a statistic. Don’t beat yourself over it.

4. Begin in a friendly way. Say “Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas!” Kids like that… strangely some adults do too.

5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. Then ask for a donation… to the reindeers’ fund. Hey they need maintenance okay?

6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. That way, they won’t find out that the only words you ever learnt were “Ho, Ho, Ho… Merry Christmas!”

7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers… the donation idea that is.

8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. Waiting in line for 4 hours to meet you for 30 seconds isn’t exactly what anyone would call fun.

9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires… even if they notice the striking behavioral resemblance between you and MJ.

10. Appeal to the nobler motives… Ah, yes… the nobler motives *evil laughter*

11. Dramatize your ideas… just don’t reveal the one where you are taking over the world. Not yet.

12. Throw down a challenge… the kid who wants the cheapest toy wins.

Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation… Tell them that their oversized hat is cute.

2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly… You don’t want to embarrass them on Christmas do you?

3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person… You were a bad role model who ate junk food and couldn’t keep your weight off. You realized your mistakes now.

4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders… “Would you like to donate to the Reindeers’ fund?”

5. Let the other person save face… Don’t make them put on a fake beard like you.

6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” Train them to stop jumping on your lap. Good Boy/Girl!

7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Believing in you is not a sin okay?

8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct… Say “You will become a better boy/girl when I see you next year, won’t you?”

9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. I’m not suggesting for you to suggest anything to them… or am I? In any case, I’m sure the reindeers would be very happy this year =)

Merry Christmas!

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